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husband comes home and finds wife with her suitcase packed. he asks where shes going.
"im going to vegas, i heard that you can get $400 for a b.j! so i figured i might as well earn some money for doing what i do for you for free."
the husband stands there dumbfounded for a minute, then heads up stairs. he returns a few minutes later with his suit case.
the wife asks"where are you going?"
"im going with you",he says,"i want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"

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a guy walks in to a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,"hey ive been hearing about this viagra. does it really work?"
the pharmacist says,"ya, for a guy like you it should work really good."
"can i get it over the counter?" the guy asks.
" I suppose, if you take enough!"

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this lady wakes up one morning and tells her husband that she had a dream that she was at an auction for penises.
she says," the biggest ones were going for $1000 and the tiniest ones were $10." the husband replies."what about one like mine?"
'didnt even get a bid", she chuckles.

the husbands pissed! next morning he decides to get even and tells her he had a dream the night before where they were auctioning off vaginas.
'the tightest ones were goin for $1000 and the loosest ones were only $10."
the wife says,"what about one like mine?"
the husband smiles and says,"thats where they held the auction!"

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In my own defense.... All I can say is it's Friday, raining and I'm bored.

roadkill
 

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Nice that made my morning :lmao:
 

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funny roadkil!

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,

With hundreds and hundreds of cute,

Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them

And she was immediately touched

By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,

Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,

And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy

To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.

But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,


After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'

She turns tohim and kisses him
Lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom

Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,

And says:


'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'
</SPAN>




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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse , no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure....maybe she choked?



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